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Breakdowns and Target Heart Rates

23 Feb

So I had a pretty rough last few months, compounded by a nervous breakdown and now; financial issues…oh whoa is me right? Turning back a few months ago, I thought I had a legitimate job offer in another state so I uprooted myself, my fiancé and all my four legged kids then I traveled away only to find out there was no job. Bare in mind this was something that took 6 months to plan  – it was hardly on a whim. But long story short things happen for a reason I believe that but I also believe that you can’t use that as an excuse, were given challenges to overcome and those in turn help us grow. That being said and faced with living in our car we stayed with relatives which in itself was a journey which resulted in me one night just breaking down under the stress and having an anxiety attack.  Several attacks actually; over a period of time, so I returned to where I came from.  Yet as much as I miss my fiancé and my fur babies at the same time a realization comes over you, sometimes you just need that distance to sort out what needs to be done. So that is what I am trying to do. I have a few bills still remaining because we ran out of  our savings completely so other than going on interviews like crazy and applying for jobs I am also just biding my time until an offer comes my way.

I also have started working out again! Oh and does it feel GREAT! I lost touch with myself it seems I was so consumed by the desperate situation we had fallen into. We were living in a hotel because NOTHING worked out like we planned. They even had a gym at the hotel we stayed at but it was covered in black mold because some type of leak that was never corrected. Yes we stayed in one of “those” hotels. Trying to hide animals in a hotel like that isn’t as easy as one would think, but my animals are like my children.

So while staying in this hotel and running through our savings like it was water exploding out of a facet, I applied for every job I could – even a pizza delivery driver. A job is a job I am not judging – but yet nothing.  We finally ran out of money and had to call in a few favors just to drive to our relatives place. Now where they lived was pretty much a farm with no surrounding area to speak of.  To say I was out of my element would be an understatement, and what I think was a major catalyst for my breakdown.  I just felt like I failed utterly, with myself, my family, my fur babies with everything.

My point with this is that we push on, move forward and stand tall. There is always “another way.”  We may not like it, it may take longer than we want but it will be worth it in the end. That being said…me working out again!

So I started my regime again. I am in a spot where I can get to a gym, which is exciting.  So I am starting baby steps because it’s been a while since I’ve really given it my all.  I start with cardio, treadmill or ski machine.

Secrets some Personal Trainers try keep from you

Here’s a secret about the treadmill that I have actually seen some trainers not tell their clients. Why? Well to be honest some are very unscrupulous; not all of them; but some can be and will try to get a few extra sessions out of you but that is for a different blog post so I digress– it’s all about the incline not the speed on the treadmill. That’s the BIG secret! You will work and burn much more fat by going a steady brisk pace and increasing your incline than you would running your butt off for an hour.

Now I am not knocking running your butt off, but unless your training for a serious triathlon then your more than likely risking injury than actually getting into shape.  It just isn’t necessary.

Here is another secret too – if you do Cardio before your weight or machine training you will melt the fat off crazy faster then just doing the weights without Cardio. The reason? Your heart rate is up, your body is warmed up, and it’s in its “Fat Burning” mode.

The target heart rate you see on machines isn’t just there for decoration. It tells you based on your age and weight; an approximate heart rate you need to achieve in order to burn off fat. That heart rate is the beats per minute that your body is pumping. When you hit a certain number your body switches to fat burning mode and thus that’s the key time you want to get on those weights OR increase your incline while brisk walking on the treadmill – whichever your regime is.  Getting to your target heart rate is the key to getting your body into kicking the fat Richard Simmons style!  Also keep in mind when you work out your body releases endorphins – your bodies natural HAPPY pills. So even if you’re having a crap day or last few months like me, it’s like euphoria for your psyche after a good workout. So skip the processed chocolate at the store and get on the treadmill instead. Or you could go for a brisk walk around your favorite mall, perhaps around the neighborhood but don’t forget to get those heart rates up!

Find your Target Heart Rate here:


DIET – The Four Letter Word

12 Jan

I don’t like the word DIET. People hear diet and they think, to deny, unrelenting, restrict. That really isn’t the case. Diet is really referring to the overall context of what and how you eat. It hasn’t been until recently that some people have turned it into a 4 letter word.  I use diet in the context to eat, but you should never deny yourself.  Even eating healthy you can still have a cupcake, just don’t eat 2 cupcakes,  be reasonable and balance it out. You have 5 meals a day and one of them you sacrifice for a cupcake – then do it.  Just remember you will need to work out a little harder – but you know it will be worth it. J

If it helps – give yourself one cheat day a week. Its important not to deny yourself otherwise let’s face it you, you won’t stick to eating right.  No matter how strong you are it is hard to sit in a restaurant and think okay only salad but then you watch as a slim pretty thing eats a piece of cake – you know you’ve seen it. You know you’ve thought it.  You then turn to the menu and say, that’s it, and you order your usual knowing how bad it is.  But then you regret it later.  You never know though, put yourself in the person’s shoes. What if that was THEIR cheat day, what if that person had just lost a lot of weight. What if they worked out extra hard on the treadmill and that was them rewarding their self. Perhaps they were you a year ago…you just never know and you can never assume or compare yourself to anyone. You are you; they are them. Trust me you may not believe it but perhaps someone is watching you wishing they were you? It may seem odd; it may seem unlikely but what if? What would you say to them? Are they crazy? Or perhaps they see in you what you just saw in that person eating the piece of cake, something truly rewarding and special, a person who will enjoy that piece of cake knowing that they earned it.

Farmer’s Market = Yummy homemade goodness

So yea I love Farmer’s Markets. Especially the little hole in the wall ones that are like little treasure chests of awesome. Some of the veggies can be more expensive than a grocery store chain, but they make up for it in other ways. Like nuts, wow nuts are expensive! A can of nuts can set you back about $7 – $10 in most places.  Nuts are a great source of the GOOD fats you should eat. It’s a good fat because it is natural. That’s why I say don’t deny yourself completely, the body needs sugar, good fats, protein, veggies all the essentials, in order to function properly. Saying no to all sugar for instance can make you over eat something later on. Even fruits have natural sugars in them. So make yourself a list:

Natural Sugars (ex: Apples, Sugar Cane, Honey)

GOOD Fats (Almonds, Walnuts, Extra Virgin Olive Oil)

Protein (Beans, Tofu, Meats, Fish)

Veggies (Whatever is in season – experiment and try something new!)

A great little recipe is my homemade Pico, they is a great and simple recipe especially if your looking to test out your local farmers market goods.

Big Girl’s Homemade Pico

Roma Tomatoes

Yellow or White Onion

Lime Juice

Sea Salt


Compliment on a homemade tacos OR with your beverage of choice.

Hobbies, Crafts and Fun with My Publisher!

20 Dec

So in order to not THINK about food. Its good to focus on exploring hobbies that you either have always wanted to try to never got a chance to get too.  If your not hobby inclined there are a ton of websites where are can scrapbook on line. Meaning you choose the layout, send in the pictures and they can inexpensively create a beautiful album for you.  When your busy then if you are not bored and when you are creating you feel good about yourself.  You can accomplish small things, therefore full filling the need to want to finish something quickly.

Want to find a fun way to waste time?

I have used them to make fun and creative books, even funny silly ones. Perhaps create one of your progress OR a simple book of goals to keep in your pocket. The My mini book is only $2.49 and you can keep it in your pocket. You can create yourself with different sayings or quotes, pictures, or things that inspire you when your away from home.  Look at it this way its your own little book just for you. I love little things like this and its super easy for anyone and the price is just right!

Taking a Friend to Workout – Even a 4 Legged One!

10 Dec

I am a HUGE animal lover. Animals to me are like children, they are smart, protective, and are uber cuties! Depending on the temperature it is outside and the temperament of your four-legged friend, a good way to do some exercise without realizing it is to take them for an extended walk.   Try a dog park, a park, or even a stroll down your neighborhood sidewalk. Take another friend too. You have to walk your little one anyways, so make it a 20 minute walk rather than a 2 minute one. Take some music along too you never know how fast time can fly when your having fun! If you live in a apartment complex that doesn’t have a park (shame on them!) but try walking around or through the entire complex.

Bring a two legged friend to join you too!

Walking and talking burns a lot of calories and gets you in shape too, its slow to moderate steady movements. Even if your friend scoffs at the idea and they don’t want to “workout” just say your taking you dog for a walk and be consistant. Trust me nothing speaks louder than words than when someone actually sees you following through… you never know, you may inspire someone without even realizing it.

Bring a friend or your significant other - you won't even notice the time or the pounds as they melt away 😉


1 Oct

Whether you have an iPod, MP3 Player, a cell phone, or your rockin’ a Walkman. Music is such a motivator. Once I get on that treadmill all my excuses melt away when I put on some good music. My music of choice?

Getting started:

For getting my adrenaline up I go for dancey, high bass pop tracks. I admit it Britney, Lady Gaga and Christina are all great for getting you going. Pretty much anything top 40 Pop will do the trick.

Pump it Up:

If I need to challenge myself more I pop on some heavy rock like Metallica or Rammstein. This to me is ideal for i really need to challenge myself while lifting weights, doing presses or any type of leg curl.

Cool down:

Enya – if I am completely done working out. Or slower pop ballads if I plan on going over to get a drink or walking around for a moment. Believe it or not Celine Dion or Leona Lewis are great for low impact working out, very melodic and by the time you done singing the song you have been working out for 3 minutes solid on your arms!

The cool thing about listening to music while working out is that if you really listen to something you enjoy you can get lost in the music and the workout comes and goes just like that. Perhaps make it goal to work out to half a Britney album (if you like Britney) then work up to working out through an entire album. On average there are 12 tracks on an album and they can run about 3 minutes a piece, that’s a 36 minute workout right there!

I am definitely one of those people whose minds goes to 20 different things while they are working out, so its important to me that if I don’t have music then I will watch whats one T.V. See watching T.V. can be healthy! Most gym come equipped with televisions so pop on your guilty pleasure of Jersey Shore (you its true), maybe some of Housewives and make it goal to work out the entire episode – right there that can be an hour :).

So ask yourself, what music really gets you going? If you sing to it in the car or the shower then perhaps working out to it is the next logical step!

Exercise VS Lethargy

20 Sep

What do you do when you get home? When is your YOU time? What do you really look forward to each day? Me? I love movies, I love reading I love just relaxing. The problem is too much relaxation and not enough movement can cause your body to become lazy. It important to be conscious of what you do each day. Do you work at a desk all day? Do you sit at a computer all day? Even though we may have a ton of things on our plates things like sitting at a desk all day and then coming home to only sit again add to a sedentary lifestyle. That’s why it is important even to set aside 30 minutes each day to exercise.  So you ask yourself, what is your best time to work out?

  •     Getting up early before going to work to workout?
  •     Working out during a lunch break?
  •     Working out after you leave work, so you can relax afterwards?
  •     Or working out in the evening just before bed?

The biggest secret here?  Make time to workout, no more excuses make it happen!

I will also admit, I don’t work out. I use to and I know the results I achieved. But now, I simply have trouble finding the motivation to go.  I bought the Wii Fit and the balance board, I used it for a week, and in a drawer it sits. I bought dumb bells, I use them every now and then, but again in a drawer it sits.  Maybe their sleeping  ;P

Learning To NOT Eat Until Your Full

15 Sep

Remember your body takes 20 minutes to feel its full

You should only eat until you are not hungry anymore, when you eat until your stomach hurts – you’ve eaten too much.  Hence this is why eating 5 meals a day is key –if your constantly eating you won’t be hungry and if you are constantly putting food into your body it raises your metabolism. When your metabolism is high, then you burn fat faster (just like running on a treadmill). Eating 5 meals a day may sound like cake (mm cake haha) but really it’s harder than you think.

Food is the fuel for you body. Think of food like gasoline for you car. You put gas in your car to make it run – the same goes for food. If you constantly run your car on fumes then fill it up when it is about to be out of fuel then its harder on your car. The same goes for you body. When your body feels starved then you burn muscle rather than fat, because your body jumps into survival mode and basically starts to cannibalize itself because it’s starving.

Even though life can be busy, we should never be to busy to grab a bite to eat. Even if its an apple or banana.

Also, always sit down to eat. This may seem like a minor, ignorable thing. However sitting down forces you to eat slower, and to take your time eating. If your eating 5 smalls meals a day it may seem like your eating really fast or its not enough food, but it is! Sitting down forces us to take it easy, enjoy our food and eat slower. NOM NOM NOM

Remember: Avoid getting seconds! If you’re eating 5 meals a day then stick to it, eating seconds can throw off the balance of your food intake.  Keep in mind that your stomach has elasticity.  Meaning it can go smaller or larger. So when you get too much your stomach expands but the less you eat at once sitting then your stomach starts going back to it normal shape.  You have the power to make the change, just because your overweight does not mean you have to be like that forever, you can change this!


23 Aug

No wonder our body image is so messed up today, with society saying we should be stick thin while the reality is much healthier and realistic.

I want to talk about strength & motivation. I never really found motivation from magazines, waif thin models that look like they haven’t eaten, I just couldn’t relate to that. There is a difference from being thin to being healthy and slim. What did inspire me were movies, people who looked fit and healthy. Those seemed more tangible to me. I knew I would never be rail thin, so I could never relate to those really skinny models. I could relate though to someone who was fit, slim and looked happy. So let’s face it, what motivates me? I’ve been to the sites and I have looked up which celebrity is my height and similar build (from what I could tell from a picture.) Then I would see them on film and think; okay this is tangible for me. I can relate to this person. It’s not at all about changing who I am or becoming someone else. It’s about finding that common place, finding that image that inspires you, motivates you to become what YOU want to be. Making yourself into what makes you happy.

Don’t Fear Change 

Change is scary AND good! It’s not easy, if it was easy then everyone would be at their ideal weight. So before we can make healthy changes we have to ask Why?

  • Why do I want to make these changes?
  • What do I need to do to make these changes?
  • When would I like to make my goal a reality?

Yes I have been through the ringer, I’ve marked off endless “goal dates” on tons of calendars in my lifetime. Yea here I am, unchanged, goal not attained. The reason? Simply I didn’t stick to my guns, I wasn’t accountable like I should be. I take full responsibility and there is no shame in that.

So what did I do today to help me get to my goals? I bought a head of lettuce; baby carrots and sugar snap peas. I also bought salad dressing and I snuck in croutons.

Don’t Fear Croutons! – Changing Eating Habits Food really isn’t the enemy, even the bad stuff. However food in the wrong hands makes it the enemy. You can eat junk food each day – but not a whole bag of it. It’s moderation that is key, yes yes, everyone has said this before and I am sure I can feel your eye roll at this moment. I went by the whole size of your fist per meal; this only works if you eat 5 smalls meals day. So one of my goals is to change how and when I eat. Essentially the right way to eat is 5 meals a days, small ones, spaced out anywhere from 2-3 hours between each meal. This way you are never hungry and this eliminates the drive to binge eat or eat a meal that is too large in one sitting. Now I can sit here and rattle off story after story of “our society makes us fat.” That’s really not true, its us who don’t make healthy choices and over eat or eat too much of a bad thing that makes us this way. Again, I take responsibility. Taco Bell did not hold me down and say eat our delicious burritos OR else – nor did any other fast food establishment. It was we, instead of sampling the bad we dove head first into it. We openly super sized that meal, we fell for the Dollar Menus. Yup those places are only in business because so many people are getting their daily meals from there. Fast food is really meant to be fast when you just don’t have time, once in a while.

I have an eating problem, there I said it

2 Aug

When I do eat its usually a large meal at the end of the day because I am busy and then I get snacky because I haven’t eaten properly and I snack late in the evening.  The problem being I eat till I am full and then when that it wears down I snack, therefore not really burning any calories and carrying all this excess fat on me, blarg!

So how do I change this?

I want to make an online food journal.  I want to chronicle my needs, wants, and missteps. Oh and I know there will be missteps! However, that is the best part I want to come to terms with how I eat, the good and the bad, this is my first goal.

My next goal is exercise. Oh and to say I have lost the motivation for exercise is an understatement. Let’s be honest I have become so lethargic, I remember thinking when I first moved into my apartment, “Oh they have a gym!.” I have probably used it a totally of 2 weeks in a 2 year period.  To find motivation is my next big step.  Raise your hand now if you have gone to the virtual self-creator and made that digital doppelganger of yourself with your current weight and then your goal weight. Yup that’s me, I’ve done that about 100 times now.  Its funny how the digital me carries my weight better too.

My next step is establishing my goals: My ideal weight, lets say between 120 – 130 lbs for my height. Dress size, between a  4 – 6.  So that puts me at losing 100 lbs. WOW yea I never thought that I would be 100 lbs over weight, just focusing on that number makes me ask myself, Why?

A big challenge for me would be finding a proper gym, so exercise wise running around on the sidewalk would probably be my best bet. My goal is to exercise at least 30 minutes a day 5 times a week.


My biggest challenge is being accountable for my actions.  What I eat, when I eat, and when I exercise. My motto: “Don’t be a beanpole – be healthy!”

“I am a complete coward.” Truth?

2 Aug

230 lbs - the horror!

Who am I?

I created a blog to help me with my weight struggles, bring focus to my goals and perhaps if I am really lucky inspire others on their journey too. I am 28 years old, female, 5’5 and 230 lbs. Wow 230lbs. Its not really the number of my weight that got me, it’s the fact that I am saying it clear as day to someone that is not myself. I won’t even let my fiancé see my weight.  But it’s clear that I need a change – I want a change but life can get in the way.  At least that has been my excuse for the past 2 years, even before that.

So to be begin, and this is really something that I have never told anyone so naturally the best way to reveal it is through the internet to potential millions of strangers right? Ha! Well let me go straight to the beginning then….

My first awareness of weight came to me in the 1st grade, freaking 1st grade can you believe that right?!  In the first grade my biggest concern needs to be if Barbie will be wearing purple or blue on her date with Ken, not my freaking weight. But I digress, I was standing in line and a girl came up to me. I was wearing a top my grandmother had bought me and I loved it, I was 8. This girl my age comes right up to me and says, “Wow your really fat, that top looks so small on you.” In that moment my world literally came crashing down. I had no recourse. I am quick witted luckily and I said to her, “Oh your wrong this is how this top is suppose to look.”  I remember walking off, and seeing the glances of my classmates looking back at me in line, whispering. It was in that moment that little girl, unbeknownst to her put a rather large crack in my Barbie dream house; video game infested little pink world.  I cried once I got home and ran up to my mother and told her, “I never wanted to wear that top again!” and I never did.

I remember when I was younger, about 6 and visiting my grandmother. She would give me these enormous servings of food.  I remember her saying; “Don’t leave any food on your plate.” I was so small I had no idea and well my Grandma was being a Grandma.  But those are some of my fondest memories, my Grandma’s yummy food, eating way too much and us sitting playing games together, oh if those moments could last forever.

My point thus far? Is that we are so blissful in our lives until one obnoxious little girl comes up to you and points out that she thinks your fat, then everything changes especially for kids.

So my life teetered on, but I became so apparent of my shape at this point. I tried to forget about what happened but it was too late, all the other kids in my class wouldn’t. So on a regular basis I was called the “Fat girl” or the “chubby one.”  I never felt pretty I just always felt fat.  Even now I look back at pictures of me as 8, I don’t see a fat girl not even a little bit. But try telling THAT to the girl in the picture, I was so convinced that I would be fat forever.

I had no idea about anorexia or bulimia. I tried not eating but my mother put a kibosh on that quickly. “You have to eat”, and my mom was right, still is about that at least. You HAVE too eat. The bullying at school became pretty bad, and it even spread into the after school program I was going too.  I was a tomboy so my friends were boys and we would climb trees and play tag and I was really active. However I had girl bullies – like mean girls times ten.

We had lockers and I would put my stuff in there. One day I found these girls going through my things. I had a book in there that my Uncle had bought me and I was reading it. When I caught them in my stuff they were throwing it back and forth over my head like monkey in the middle. I never wanted to punch some one so bad before. So I took a deep breath and tried the diplomatic approach, I told them that it was a present and to please not to throw my things around. They laughed drop my things on the floor, and took the book and ripped it in half.  One of the girls even stole a watch out of my locker, went swimming in it, and then gave it back to me. Her comment you ask? “Oh here is your watch, it doesn’t work anymore, I swam in it.”

I had told my mom about all these incidents and she complained to the supervisor of the center. But like they always do, they dismiss it, or say its just kids being kids. It finally got to me really bad one night. I remember waking up and going into the kitchen and picking up a knife and thinking what would happen if I put in my stomach? Morbid right? I wasn’t suicidal; I just wanted the fat to go away. I wanted the bullying to stop! I had a happy life, I wanted friends over, but I thought if I could make the fat go away then they would leave me alone. No I didn’t do anything to myself but that was a wake up call for me about my weight and how people viewed it, just at only 8 years old.

Not too long after that night, I decided I had it with these bitches. So I started swimming after school. I was getting more confident and trying to ignore the bulling, it had stopped for a while. The bulling started spreading to other girls though, and other groups. I was in a theater class one day and the entire group of girls decided to bully up on my “character” by saying I was gross and fat and ugly. I immediately told the teacher about it, as she sat there and witnessed it, she told me to deal with it. So I looked her straight in the face and said, “Really? Well I am not going to be in this anymore, you deal with that.” I was getting mad, I was completely done with the bullying and I was fed up with the teachers dismissing it. At this point my respect for teachers was dwindling too. In my eyes I knew that they could help, I was begging them for it, but they did nothing.

Then one day I was swimming as usual and one of the original bullying bitches came up to me. I was wearing a bathing suit of course, I didn’t feel confident in it but I always tried to put a game face on and ignore people. The girl approached me while I was swimming and says to me, “You see those rolls on your stomach, well that is fat, that means you’re a fat ass.” I said to her, “Really? Well you have those rolls too, so I guess that means your fat too.”  I immediately swam away and it took me a minute to realize what had just happened. I had told her off I was so warm and fuzzy that day. That is when I knew that I had the power to change things, I didn’t need a teacher I could do it myself! After that they never really bothered me again. Sure there were whispers or snares. I ignored them of course, I just didn’t care!

Let’s fast forward to middle school, middle school was as you expect. You would fit into one of two categories if you were slightly over weight, a Lesbian or a slut. Both meaning no one would ever date you period. I remember people, especially boys, would tell me that they would,” love to take my face and put it on someone else’s body.” It really resonated with me because I would hear comments like that all the time, “how your face is lovely but…” I wore baggy jeans, baggy shirts, sneakers and chokers. I dyed my hair crazy colors because what else am I going to do on a Saturday night right?! I had a few friends and that was it.  The subjects I loved were theater and art. They were the only two classes where I could really throw myself into them and not feel like I wasn’t apart of something. I knew a lot of people but weren’t friends with any of them; I kept to myself, which was fine by me.

Then we skip to college. I had fun in college. I was busy and I was getting my weight under control. I had slimed down to a size 8, around 150lbs and I was so happy. I could catch the moon! Even after all that I still looked in the mirror and thought, wow I need to lose weight. But even looking back at pictures of me, again I just wasn’t fat; I knew it was all in my head.

Then I started seeing someone for about 2 years. To put is mildly he was a dick. A utter and complete dick, they write songs about how much of a douche this guy was too me.  It got so bad with him that everything I had worked for crashed down around me. I lost my job, and everyday he would remind me of how lazy I was because I couldn’t get another job fast enough for him. I am a decent cook but whenever I was around him and tried to cook I would mess something up. He would then tell me I am a horrid cook and he would say that if he were to tell me I was a good cook then he would be lying, and well he doesn’t lie. At a size 8 he called me fat, said that he couldn’t date me because he was afraid I was not healthy enough for him.  This coming from a guy weighing 300 lbs. Yes I know why did I date him? Why does anyone date someone they aren’t attracted too? I just thought why not one day, and before I knew it I was stuck right in the middle of this jerks mental abuse. It wasn’t pretty. I had stopped eating in front of him completely. I just couldn’t do it anymore, he wore me down. The fight had left me, and I know why, because I just didn’t care anymore.  I didn’t love this guy and he clearly never cared about me otherwise he would not had treated me this way.  So one day it finally ended and I was so happy. It was like waking up from a bad dream – hella beast douche nozzle was gone!

So I did what any person would do, I went on dates! Oh did I EVER!  I got my confidence back so quickly, it was a natural high. I had never felt so good and felt so appreciated and then it all changed for the better. One of these dates was my future fiancé. We met and as they say the rest is history!  I was ME once again and I could be relaxed around another person again, I could eat in front them too! Everything has been bliss since we met – however this bliss and comfort then grew into an ever-expanding waistline, something I would not thought possible but makes perfect sense. I had gone from being bullied for being fat then finding happiness and paying the price of a large waist line.  What?! So here I am now, at the biggest I have ever been, happy as a lark and as big as a elephant right?

As I started becoming heavier I realized that my pictures became more like close ups of my face. We had gone on a trip to Louisiana and I was flipping through the pictures when we came back and seeing all these fantastic shots of my fiancé in front of historic buildings, posing with people and then here I am in every shot it begins from the shoulders up or extreme close-ups of my face. There was one full-bodied shot, but I didn’t like what I saw so I buried on the bottom of a digital file somewhere. Almost all our vacation photos consist of him out and about and me in a car, behind a fence. Anything that would obscure what I didn’t want to see, me, and what I truly had become.

Then one day I looked pass that and I posted a photo of me to Facebook. No graphics, no crazy poses just me smiling. This is something I had avoided for a long time, seeing as I was afraid of what people would say. In actuality I just didn’t want to hear it or face it, but secretly I do. I want to be yelled at and told that I need to change and that’s exactly what happened. With minutes a friend I had known for years replied and said to me that it wasn’t healthy for me to go on like this, that I would need a walker by the time I’m 50. I was upset by it at first and my fiancé defended me, but then I thought about it and I was happy. I was so happy that I knew at least one person who could tell me unflinchingly that I needed to change. That they cared enough to say it, but not to say no one else cared, they did. But this person came right out and made no bones about it, it may have been brazen and straightforward but the truth was clear I needed help.

I would look in the mirror every morning and not see a blob of a person but me. Then I would take a picture of myself and it was like looking at a stranger in my clothes.  I finally said you know what, “F*%k it!”, I want to see it , I want to see me! So I did a video of myself, just standing there, in jeans and a t-shirt nothing fancy.  I had my fiancé record it and after a minute I forgot the camera was even there so I was myself and relaxed. I then sat back and watched it, I didn’t recognize myself.  In my mind I still see that size 8 person, I had gained so much weight so quickly that I really had not had time to connect it to my perception of myself. I watched the video and felt sad and then upset. I don’t remember over eating, I don’t remember doing this to myself I looked so different. The fact that I stopped taking full body pictures of myself only made it worse. It did not allow me to face my demons, and instead enabled me to make it worse.

The truth was simple; in my comfort I had let myself go.

So where do I go from here? Its simple but not easy but I have to try to REALLY try.  I am doing this for myself, it may be selfish but the weight battle is.  What’s my first step? Well here we go!

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